Things that happen when you smell your feet

The other day, I was driving home with the girls, which is usually when the blog inspiration magic happens.  This particular ride home was no exception. O out of the blue informed me, "I smelled my feet and it made me fart."

 

Yep, I'm a proud mama of a delicate, lady-like 4 year old. Now of course, this quote of O's is probably one of her better ones -- but unlike the others, I struggled to find the inspiration.  What lesson in life could this phenomenal quote could teach me? At the suggestion of one of my good friends, I did start to think about the surprising, and sometimes amazing things that happen when you least expect it.  Even when you are mired in the most dire circumstances. Or smelly ones.

 

Speaking of both dire and smelly circumstances, I've ventured out into the world of online dating, given how tough it can be to meet people these days.  Not that I'm equating these men with smelly feet, or farting for that matter, but some of these guys may want to pick up a book on social skills.

 

I'll start with Vinnie (all names have been changed to protect the not-so-innocent -- but this guy totally seems like a Vinnie) - his intro email to me was "Hey babygirl, your beauty is flawless." For anyone who knows me, you'd accurately guess that this guy was dead-on-arrival. He must have taken my lack of response as playing hard to get, as he kept trying to catch me on IM until I final blocked him.

 

Then there was Mark, who wanted to cut through any normal introductions and ask me "Have you ever dated anyone outside your race?"  I'm all for figuring out potential deal-breakers sooner rather than later, but a hello would be super nice.

 

Another friend, Iam4u2316, also wanted to cut through the chase. At 58 years of age, he asked me on IM "Am I too old for you?"  I'm not sure, let me introduce you to my mom and dad and let them tell you.  At least Simon spent time writing an email, acknowledging "I know I am very young [24 years of age] but I am very mature for my age" and actually asked me out like a gentlemen. 

 

You also have a lot of yellers  -- I'd like to think they are just really excited to be contacting me, but I think they are just unfamiliar with their keyboards.  Pitts2317 went right to our potential chemistry with "WHO IS UR FAV FOOTBALL TEAM? MINE IS THE STEELERS IS THAT A DEAL BREAKER LOL" followed by "I LIKE GOOD FOOD WORKING OUT AND I AM A SPORTS NUT."  Not just a sports nut, Pitts old boy.

 

But you have to appreciate the effort to find common ground, I suppose.  BassFisher7084 jumped in with "Cute pics. Do ya like country music? Do ya like to boat in the summer?" 

 

There are a few guys who just take the simple approach, like they are walking up to me at a bar, which I guess I can understand.  Rick went with "Hello I am Rick."  Full stop.  And Sounderfan3109 simply said "Heyyyyyy."  I felt like I was right back at Tia Lou's, age 26. And it was not awesome.

 

Then there are the plethora of guys who I guess knew better than to try to contact me directly -- they just winked or liked a photo. Upon closer inspection, a good percentage of them had either pictures of their car in their profile as part of their profile name. Hey Porsche3477, I drive a Highlander with a large collection of Cheerios and mismatched socks - that's hot right?

 

So all of this does feel a bit like smelling my feet and farting, I must say.  And my guidance to you guys (and gals) out there also trying the online dating thing (or just the socializing with people thing) - don't mention the type of car you drive as a lead-in, use complete words and punctuation, common pleasantries like Hello are always appreciated, try to leave your baggage out of your profile or intro email, and in general do read the profile of the person you are approaching before reaching out. 

 

Now, it hasn't all been bad  -- I've received a lot of very nice, polite, funny emails and have made some good connections.  And despite lack of social skills, *most* people are just trying to find someone to connect with - which is hard and scary to do, absolutely -- so I give tons of credit for just getting out there. And so here comes the inspirational part -- If I have learned one thing over the last couple of years, the most surprising and wonderful things can happen, even when it all seems crappy, and especially if you would never, ever expect it. Painful experiences have turned into amazingly strengthening experiences, and people who I never imagined being close have become incredibly important to me.  So I'm chugging along with this online dating thing, as with everything in life, and trying to have an open mind and heart.  After all, you never know what might happen.  And I'm looking forward to meeting Sean and George next week. I may lay off the beans prior to meeting them…just in case.

Batgirl is pink and other true lies

I always knew I wanted to have girls.  I was one, to start with, so at least I would have some experience to work with.  And I liked being one, for the most part.  I just always had in my head a relationship with daughters -  and sure enough I have two wonderful girls who brighten each and every day.

 Now, however, I'm in the "Holy hell, girls are going to be hard" space. It all started when O moved up to the preschool class at age 3.   She started coming home with specific ideas of gender roles - boys needed to be with boys and girls with girls, pink is for girls, blue is for boys.  A girl's shirt is "pretty" and a boy's shirt is "cool."

 Then to make matters worse, she has become obsessed with princesses. Trains and dinosaurs have been largely put aside for the likes of Rapunzel and Ariel and Cinderella.   She demands to wear a dress nearly every day, and often smiles, flutters her eyelashes at me and asks me if she looks pretty. She still seems attached to her RGIII jersey, so that is keeping me sane for the time being.

 As background, I was never the princess type girl. I had stuffed animals and an embarrassingly large My Little Pony collection as a kid (seriously, 32 of them), but didn't really like pink or dolls or whatnot. In fact the one Barbie I did have, I cut her hair off and used her as  a sacrifice to my Miss Piggy puppet. Mostly I played outside, pretending to be a warrior or an animal (or a warrior animal), and had lots of boys as friends. My stint in ballet at age 6 lasted approximately 2 weeks, because it "made my tummy hurt" yet I played rugby, flag football and soccer for years when I got older.  Which made my whole body hurt (still…hurts..).

 So when O came home telling me that she wanted to be Batgirl (in fact she had to be Batgirl because J was going to be Batman and L was going to be Captain America) and was adamant that Batgirl was pink, I admittedly lost it. I went on a bit of a tirade that Batgirl in fact was NOT pink, and while we are at it, if O wanted to be Batman, not Batgirl, that was totally ok, nobody gets to tell her who she had to be.  And after repeated proclamations that Batgirl was in fact pink - "Mama, that's the TRUTH!!" -- I took my battle to the interwebs and pulled up some images of Batgirl.

Well, crap.

I did in fact prove that Batgirl is not pink…I also proved that Batgirl apparently has a 32DD sized chest and an impossibly thin waist.  Awesome.

All this had me in a bit of a panic. I want to raise strong girls who know they can solve problems themselves, that they don't need to be pretty or frilly or whatever to fit in. I want them to have a strong sense of self-worth that is not defined by their looks or if a boy likes them.   I want them to feel confident in exactly who they are, to know exactly what they deserve, and what they are capable of achieving.  A pretty mermaid making bad deals with a sea witch and relying on a man, a fish and a crab to save her doesn’t seem to be the best example. And the few superhero females out there are so over sexualized I can't even point to them as an example. I was prepared for the fact that kids get exposed to these images and messages in 10x the places we did as kids, but I was not prepared for how young it would start.

But taking a lesson from my friend's awesome blog on the same subject, I realized I need to just take a deep breath.  Forcing my own preferences on them will likely have the same effect of creating tension between what they think they *should* be and who they truly are.  After all, I wasn't the princess type and I had my fair share of confidence issues. And the whole "leaning in" movement can have equally difficult consequences of defining what "success" looks like for a woman.  I figure the best thing I can do is teach them that I will love them unconditionally, and that they are valued no matter how pretty, smart or thin they are.  That they deserve to be treated with kindness and respect, and they should treat others the same way. And that they have a world of choices out there - they can like princesses, football, boys, girls, math, art…they can choose demanding careers or staying home with family or something in between…whatever.  Ultimately it's about finding their true path of happiness, believing they can achieve that path no matter what and living authentically throughout.   Yes I of course filter the images and messages that are extreme or not age-appropriate  - but I can't shut everything out…and even if I could, I don’t think that would be helpful. The girls need to learn and assess on their own what is good and bad and what aligns with the values I hope to instil in them.

So I will wear my tiara proudly during dress-up and accept that Batgirl is pink.  And I will also have football on EVERY Sunday. If they don’t want to watch, that is totally ok. :-)