It's human nature, I
think, to focus more on the negative validation we receive in life, and ignore
or discount the positive. Especially if you tend to be a perfectionist (guilty)
- you dwell on the negative and assume it somehow is within your control, or
worse…your FAULT, your shortcoming. Even in corporate culture there is a huge
emphasis on fixing your weaknesses vs. leveraging your strengths. A healthy attention to improvement can be great, but sometimes it can catapult you into a pretty myopic, dysfunctional place where
you get so zoomed in on the negative / less-than-perfect parts of your life,
you don’t see all the good parts. You
miss the opportunities of joy, personal and professional growth, and
creativity. I'll admit that over my life
time, but especially over the last couple of years, I've been guilty at times of zooming
in way too much on the negative, on what needed fixing and not valuing the positive enough.
During our commute
home each day O and I generally spend the time singing, laughing and goofing
off (L participates too, generally by giggling and saying
"more!"). One day a couple of weeks
ago, somehow we got on the topic of bellybuttons. O determined she needed a
new one, so I asked her where she would go to secure this new bellybutton.
Without hesitation, she proclaimed she would go to the bellybutton trees where
the bellybuttons grow. This launched a whole philosophical discussion around
what things (body parts and otherwise) grow on trees (apparently noses and ears
as well), are there farmers that tended massive orchards of bellybutton trees (yes),
do they need a lot of water (some), and so on. L had no idea what we were talking
about, but laughed hysterically every time her big sister laughed. This moment
was just one of those many little moments I've been trying to focus on more -
laughter, joy, freedom from rules or preconceived notions, peacefulness. Staying zoomed out enough to appreciate all
the great moments in my life.
The week following
the bellybutton tree conversation, I ended up in the ER. I woke up that Friday morning feeling ok, but
by 11 am I knew I was pretty sick and something was wrong -- excruciating
headache, throwing up, high fever.
Finally by around 7 I went to the hospital. After a spinal tap
(attempted FOUR times by the newbie doc before the specialist was called in), a
CAT scan of my head and a chest x-ray, I was diagnosed with viral
meningitis. I don’t know that my life
was ever truly at risk (viral is a lot better than bacterial)-- but I was
definitely the most deathly ill I've ever been, and I was actually scared it
could all end badly, especially when my fever got to 103+ and I couldn't hold
any food down. I ended up being in the
hospital for 5 days and will feel fatigue and headaches for the next several
weeks. The infectious disease doc
figured it was probably just a virus one of my kids had (L had diarrhea earlier
that week) and I won the lottery of having the right genetic makeup to let
those little buggers into my brain and spinal fluids. Yay me!
As I was laying in the hospital, pressing my little pain medication button (a lot) and wondering if I was ever going to be able to see straight again, I found myself thinking about the bellybutton trees conversation…and I was again reminded of all the great things in my life and how fortunate I was to be loved, to be taken care of personally and professionally and to have my wonderful kids who were healthy and safe. I didn't just have one special someone in my life -- I had a frigging ARMY of amazing friends and family - parents, ex inlaws, friends,
co-workers, my ex-husband. Everyone rallied and did what was needed -- getting
me to the hospital, taking care of the kids, allowing me to recover once I
finally made it home, checking in on me, offering help, sending flowers. I had a job that
didn’t bat an eye at me taking a week off to recover, a job that provided really great health insurance so I could pay for this little escapade. And
hey... at least it was viral meningitis! Ok maybe that last one is a stretch…but
the point is, I could look at all this and dwell on the negative, or I could choose to focus on the positive. Given the circumstances of this situation, I fared pretty darn well.
It is true what they say - the crises in life, especially those that are life-threatening (even pseudo-life threatening) can really shift your perspective, help you stay zoomed out enough to embrace the positive and
see the bigger picture in life. If you choose. I know it's corny to have the whole George Bailey moment as a result of this, but for me it really has helped me see the forest through the trees…the bellybutton trees,
that is.
